Miss Walker

Dear younger self
I want you to know you are still hurting and you allowed yourself to make so many mistakes in your adult life I wish You weren't in such a rush to grow up I wish you would have taken your time and enjoyed your youth and take school more seriously I want you to know the relationship between you and your mother gets better the world knows who you are but not in the way you want them to know you as an actress but as an urban model I wish you would believe in yourself more and stop 2nd guessing yourself you are still truly a wonderful beautiful person inside and out its ok to say No it's ok to speak up it's ok for people not to like you don't have to please everyone not everyone is meant to be your friend you still have a smile that lightens up a room you are still the sweetest person ever It's ok to let people in to get to know you I am proud of you for opening up about your past speaking out to help others who have been threw the Same thing as you are not alone in this world

You and Britney are still friends and closer than ever you 2 push one another to be better shes always there for you and will always be your sister and best friend

You have learned the true meaning of love and how to be treated but you lost Marcus due to your Insecurities but believe when I say you haven't found the right yet but you will and when you do you will be truly spoiled with his love and have an amazing friend and Partner in your life.

You are truly an amazing woman and a wonderful friend your heart and arms are always open you truly care about others more than you do yourself you are honestly like your grandfather always wanting the best for everyone you are truly a blessing. It took you a while but you have grown into your own skin and believing you are a beautiful within and out

You've learned the true meaning of living life and doing things your way and doing what makes you happy you are the trying to be the best sister in the world you have honestly turned out to be an amazing woman who follows her heart never holding grudges you have such a forgiving heart and starting to be an amazing cook

honestly Miss Walker you are truly special and happy to see you believing In your self and fighting for your dreams and having such a wonderful relationship with God you are something special I am proud of the woman you have become you told yourself you had enough and made a sacrifice to do better and be better for keeping your focus and and determination to succeed in your life you go girl

Goodbye 2011 Hello 2012

Before 2011 ends I wanted to say I have learned so much about myself and the things I truly want for myself and also for my family I learned the true meaning of being in love and also losing love

I learned the true meaning of friendship and also having those around you who aren't your friends but who use you for who you know or knowing those who use your kindness and mistake it for weakness and also knowing the meaning of self worth and having those who wish you well and also those who want to see me fail I in life I also learned the true meaning of beauty and believing in love with myself and having standards for my life it's ok to speak up and not be afraid to say no or whats on my mind it's ok to take chances in life when I say I learned about self worth just because someone may have more than me doesn't mean they have the right to speak to me or treat me any kind of way just because they have money or a big time star i treat people with respect thats how i deserve to be treated as well I open my arms and heart to everyone never judging others for who they are or what they do I see the good in everyone but ive allowed myself to get walked all over and judged because I don't walk around in make up or YSL or rock every hand bag in the world I've allowed myself to do so many foolish things and have viewed my life as always pleasing and seeking people approval So when I say Ive learned the true meaning of self worth it's being happy with who I am and what I have and where I am headed in my life ---- what people may have say I am beautiful and going threw my struggles but know God will see me threw an bless me an my family with all he has planned out for our lives Im not going to be afraid to live my life and worry about thing I can not change

If I can give advice to anyone it would be live your life with so much love and just do what makes you happy always put yourself 1st I am not prefect and no one on this earth is we all make mistakes and have a past of things we are ashamed of but thats life we are only human and have to learn from every choice we make in life but keep your faith within yourself and believe that you have been put here on this earth to be a true blessing in someones life as far as being a great friend amazing husband or wife mother or father an amazing son or daughter brother or sister whatever the reason you are here for a reason enjoy life and live it up I am excited to say I am truly happy with the changes I am making and also working harder to achieve my dreams and thanking god for opening my eyes and showing me what I need to do but also for all th love and support he has for me and never giving up on me I am proud to say I am a grown woman who knows what she's deserves and know the true meaning of love and support and working hard to achieve all my dreams while in blessed to see another year.

I welcome 2012 with open arms and truly excited for what I have in store for myself and always what God has planned out for me and my family most people say what they are going to do I rather just do it and let my work speak for its self but I wanted to say thank you for all supporting me and coming on here to read about my life struggles and the progress that i am making thank you all may god bless you all.

M.A.C

I will always love you showed me the true meaning of being in a relationship what it was like to be loved and pushed me to always do my best and believed in me when I didn't believe in myself always putting a smile on my face but my selfish ways and acts and taking advice from my friends played a big role on our relationship you did nothing wrong I was the one who messed up I couldn't let go of my past relationship the Hurt and the pain so I took it out on you my new boyfriend which wasn't fair to you at all I regret every selfish act I did and not letting myself be happy with a man who truly cared, loved and only wanted the best for me.

I hold you dear to my heart wishing and praying I could find someone like you but I never do I always end up with worse my friends say I'm still in love with you that maybe true but i know deep down we can never be not even as friends all thanks to me i know you are happy and in love with someone else and I'm truly happy that he has found a woman who treats him with the respect and love that he deserves do I wish that was me of course but as long as he is happy I will forever be Marcus if you ever read my blog this is for you

I didn't know how to love I didn't know how to express my feelings I didn't know how to be the woman you needed me to be until it was to late but when we broke up I truly believe it was for the best I understand now why and everything you was saying to me i want you to know that you have taught me more about loving and caring truly more about myself than you will ever know and for that i want to say thank you and I'm truly sorry if i caused you any pain thats not what i was trying to do im sorry things couldn't workout between us but i see now it was for the best because you are truly happy and have found the right woman for you and i see i have to let you go to find the right one for me but I will always wish you the best :) I've always wanted the best for you and i always will I know I said we could never be friends ever and don't ever speak to me again I was honestly speaking out of anger and truly didn't mean it you know me if you hurt me I say things to hurt you back but I just wanted you to know you will always be the guy that I loved and hate that We cant be friends and that i did you wrong but i am happy you are doing well with school, Football and have someone who supports and loves you deserve the best and I will always wish it for you ;) xoxo

Smile

A smile can hide so much pain but also bring so much joy I always walk with a smile on my face

Greatest place to eat

Pizza chi- town has the best ever

To New Beginnings

I can tell you With time we grow wise Ive learned that recently I use to blame everyone for my downfalls but it's know ones fault but my own I can't expect for people to give me the world and respect I know I deserve I have to earn it and work for it. There are know such thing as handouts I know I sometimes start things and never finish threw but lately I have been working hard and finishing everything I have started I'm growing stronger  and strong with in my faith I lean on god more than ever I find myself closer and closer with him everyday. I've learned that this is my time and season to shine and to succeed in my life. I have a new journey and path with my life you can say its more so a new beginning a new outlook that I am excited about and the drive that I have is out of this world so I can say this year is really going to be a good year for me I am more so focused on my success and making a better life for myself with gods help.   

in my own skin

Sometimes we allow what others say about us determine our paths down life we let them get into our ears and say what we are doing is wrong we allow them to take a little of us bye there words.  Know one can ever see the battle someone else is fighting with in but bringing someone down is not the way to build yourself up. Be proud of who you are, be proud of your skin color, shape,size, be proud to be yourself stand with your head held high and say I am who I am and this is me. Be the greatest lawyer, nurse, rapper whatever you choose to be in your life be proud to follow your dreams never allow someone to cloud your judgement or stop you from doing what it is that you set out to do. 

No one can take anything from you

Sometimes I amaze myself with the things that I do and say like wow those words I can't believe came from me I show growth and strength every single day I would have never thought in a million years that I would be living out my dreams running my own business I am so proud of myself for not becoming who everyone thought I was going to be. 

Sometimes we just have to tell our self that we are proud of our self I know I am because know one believed in me he'll I didn't believe in myself sometimes because I felt like things would never happen I would never see my dreams come true but I remember something that my god sister told me she said You never cared what people thought you are very outspoken you always said and did what you wanted to do you never took no for an answer you always made a way out of know way and you made a non believer into a believer you know what she was right I got caught up with what people thought about me and how they looked at me I for got who I was and what i overcame and the things that I  accomplished without people help so how dAre I allow someone to tell me who I am or what I should be doing .G.T.F.O.H my sister told me lol I love her because she made me realize:

If I would have stayed in the mind set trying to show people and please them and listened to everything someone had said  or what they are saying about me or that achieving my dreams would be just that a dream I would not be standing here today with my own business and getting closer and closer each day to achieving my dreams and buying my grandmother that house she always dreamed of and saying to everyone who said I couldn't how you like me now...

My point is people never allow people to steal your joy and break you down because know matter if you are doing good or bad someone will always will have something to say about you don't let what they see get to you and make you second guess yourself and talents never do it and  when it comes to love he'll if someone can't support you and back you up you don't  need to be with that person at all if they don't give you all the love and support that you show them then walk away you deserve someone who believes in you and  supports you with everything that you do. But most of all people believe in yourself and keep your faith trust me you will succeed.  "Never give up hope never " I want all of you to have  an amazing night my loves goodnight and god bless you all

NIA   

People grow up and grow apart

Be happy within your own skin have self happiness 

So many people say things to people to hurt them and bring them down i find it so messed up when people say someone has changed because they have a little fame I'm sorry but I believe when people who have dreams and go after them  they do change and they aren't the person that they use to be or the person you once knew there surroundings have changed because they are chasing and following there dreams and getting a little buzz about there self doesn't make them for get who they are and where they come from people out grow one another and there is nothing wrong with that at all I say do you and continue to grow into the amazing person that you are.

I often get ive changed and I'm Hollywood because Of the things I'm doing for my life and all I can say is yeah I have changed a lot of times people feel that because I went to school with them that I should know who they are and we should hang out I remain to my 2 best friends since 1st grade and we are all friends still.  I will say I have grown up and I'm not the same person that I use to be Ive changed my surroundings my life style and the people that I did hang out with what do we have in common I don't have any children I don't know what it's like to be in jail I don't know what it's like to be shot. So I agree with most sometimes people out grow one another or sometimes people just take a look at friends that they use to kick it around and say I don't want to end up like them that's an example of what I don't want to be like. He'll it's mean to say but very true and I think we all feel the same way.

Now I don't want anyone to take what I'm saying the wrong way but a lot of people that I have went to school with have gone to the army so I don't know what it's like to fight for my country i thank them and pray god keeps them and others fighting for our beautiful country safe god bless you all. Then I have friends who hustle who are in and out of jail then I have friends who have 2-  3 kids so I can say people change once they get older everyone has a path to follow some people stay in touch and some don't and  just because some may have been your friend in high school doesnt mean your my friend to day we may have been close then but everyone has a falling out people leave for college and make new friends people grow up and apart is all I'm trying to say.

When enough is enough

I see sometimes we make the same mistakes over and over afraid of change it's clear that I make the same mistakes over and over when it comes to giving someone my time and love I go above and beyond for the person that I am with never do I get the same in return I ask myself is it me it must be because how could someone  ever allow their self to be treated this way. I have learned to let go and choose myself before my boyfriend for I am not selfish but I see I'm always the one trying to make things work in my relationship I am the one always fighting because I was always taught when you are in a relationship you stick bye the person you are with until the end you have your say so but you never walk away. Your building a life with this person spending time with one another you can't walk away so I never have I have stayed bye and watched my boyfriend cheat on me but yet I forgave and kept our relationship going I have stuck bye when my boyfriend was down and out holding him down and putting money in his pocket and making sure the bills were taken care of until he got back on his feet. I have stood bye and watched and sat while my ex would talk about how good another woman was looking but all in the back of my mind this isn't right this is not what a relationship should be it should be even it should be happiness of one another it shouldn't be any cheating at any time yes I understand a man is going to do what he is going to do but no there comes a time when a man should give up his player ways and know what he has at home never wanting to hurt her saying I have a good thing at home I never want to lose that and I feel that goes for a woman as well when you have a good man or woman bye your side treat them with the love and respect they deserve.

I say if a person doesn't see you for who you truly are then you need to leave if they aren't willing to change and stuck in there selfish ways then you shouldn't stay or deal with anyone who doesn't make you happy I had to learn the hard way  trust me i mean the hard way people always ask me nia how do I get over someone that I adore and love so much I say to leave and if they ever come back it was meant to be but if they dont then you have the answer to your own question i can not speak of someone else's relationship but my own i can not say what someone else is doing but i can say always fight for someone who's willing to fight for you if they aren't then leave and never turn back  I know it sucks I wish I could see everyone happy when it comes to love but in today's day in age we all have lost our values and respect for one another and what the true meaning of being in a relationship means it's not about what someone can do or how much money they have it's about building a bound a friendship and hopefully one day a family and marriage that's what I think I have spent 4years in a relationship with my ex and my most recent a year and out of that time I seen that neither one of them wanted what I wanted neither one of them understood what it was like to be loved Or maybe I misunderstood or I was the fool for staying when I should have left a long ass time ago when they shown me there true colors but like most we stay hoping that they'll change and see what they have never in your  life wait around for anyone I speak from what I know and what I have been threw I was never happy with neither i stayed because i was in love but there is a point where you get so sick of being hurt to were you grow strength and self respect and walk away and say to yourself that you deserve better as you should no one should ever feel like they are in love alone. Walk away its going to hurt it's not going to be easy I still find myself crying from time to time but I love the choice I made bye walking away because I know deep down inside someone is out there meant for me to love me the way I will love them back treat me with the respect that I will treat them with never give up hope or say your done with love you have to go threw a few bad relationships to truly understand what your next one should be like you always learn from what you didn't do to better your next one always take a relationship that ends as a lesson learned.

If your like me who puts others before yourself stooooooooooooppppp that right now and put yourself 1st yes I'm telling you to be selfish because at the end of the day you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you and I can honestly say I didn't love myself enough so I allowed what I allowed because I just wanted to be held and loved but now when I look back it wasn't love it was just a lost girl looking for things she never had but now I love myself more than ever and building and uplifting myself more and more and I think you should know your value and your worth once you find it and know it watch how better you feel watch what you will not allow you have grown self respect for yourself.  I  have spoiled myself so when it comes to my next he has a lot of impressing and work to do to out shine me I set the bar high and I love it. Treat yourself how you would want someone else to treat you set a bar it can be how ever high you want it to be because someone out there is going to fight so hard to reach it aNd that's when you will know how much that person truly loves and cares for you. 

My point is stop always being the one fighting let someone fight for you let some one show you what's it's like to be in love stop chasing after people who arent worth a damn thing and start looking at the person whos trying to show you how much they cAre and adore you.  

These are my life fears & struggles

Sometimes when people say you seem like the type of girl who had everything handed to her you don't know what it's like to struggle  but little do  people know I grew up with not having the best of things and I just stop and look and say you have know idea what I have been threw I've been abused as a child by people who supposedly loved me I know what it's like to struggle I grew up with not having the best of things  

there was times when I didn't have running water at my home so I  would have to take showers at my friends house or at school early in the morning so know one would see me I know what it's like to come home and not have food in the fridge or sometimes not even having lights walking into a dark house Lighting candles just to have lights walking to the store buying water and carrying big old water jugs so me And my brother can take a bath trying to make something out of nothing so me and my brother can eat so trust me I know what it's like to struggle but yet again that's people judging me not knowing and assuming I've watched my mother work two jobs just to take care of me and my brother she never had any help from anyone she did the best she could do for us And  I thank her we never complained about not having we was just always grateful that we did have clothes on our backs and a place to call home.

Im a very humble young lady I'm thankful for what I do have I know what's it's like walking and taking the train and bus everywhere. not having a car or having money and not spending it on yourself. I'm always doing for others and paying my bills off that there's never anything left over for me so trust me I know what it's like wearing the same shoes and clothes over and over again ive done it my whole life and still doing it. I'm not going to act like A lv bag or red bottoms  make me because they dont martial things don't matter to me instead of a shoe I rather buy myself a house so I have a place to call home I want to buy real things that matter most to me. Spending my money on paying my bills off and hopefully saving up enough money to take trips for me and my family so I can  show them the most beautiful places in the world. I don't open myself up to people due to being judged I'm afraid of what people may say about me that's why I bottle up my feelings and expressing  myself  Im afraid of allowing someone to get to know the real me. I can write it all down and people can read it but me facing someone and telling them is different its hard to look someone in the eyes and telling them this is me without crying I feel like when people open up about who they are and the things they have been threw then People Assume that person wants something and that's not the case sometimes we just wAnt people to know who we truly are and help them to have a clear understanding of why we are the way that we are, but I have never given a person a chance to get to know me because I'm afraid of how they may act and what they may think of me so I keep my problems and everything That I am going threw to myself so I smile and laugh always helping some one else out I feel the less people know about me the less I have the chance of getting judged and hurt and maybe that's unfair but hey that's just me. Trust me I care about everyone that comes into my life even those who leave it I just show people the side of me they always want to see not even to my family i have to be strong...im trying to let my guard down and open up and trust people with my past and present it's truly hard for me to trust because I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me or thinking I want anything from them because I don't i just want people to understand i know what it's like to struggle And be without I face everything on my own this is my life the problems I face are mine no one else's I stand on my own everything I do in my life is on my own never a helping hand from anyone as much as I would love to open up and ask for help I won't my ego and pride won't let me. Some of you reading this is saying nia you cant be like that its unfair but in my eyes it's not ive been taken care of myself since I was a young girl all I know how to do is depend on myself I don't ask people for help I don't express emotion because I've always had to be tuff and strong for my brothers I would love to trust and allow people in but I don't know how I'm not a bad person I'm just afraid that's all it's nothing personal we all go threw things and in due time I'll let you in.      

The fight isn't over

Lately I have been feeling down until today I am more motivated than I have ever been before I use to complain and say I felt like I didn't deserve to be here that my life didn't have any purpose until I figured out and got sick of sitting back and just letting time pass me bye I had to realize I've overcome so much look what i have done for myself I started my own foundation and im starting my own business not for myself but for my family yes life gets stressful and things get hard and sometimes I feel as if I am alone in this world with know one too talk to or help me threw but it's ok because I know I have myself and god and I always have to think of my family I can't give up what about those children depending on me how could I turn my back on them I may be down and going threw something but they are are going threw a lot more so let me stop and think of some one other than myself.

I have to thank god for answering my prayers and I hear what he is telling me to do go harder than I have ever gone amd do things that I have never done and do not be afraid of change or walking in my faith alone because he is near guiding me every step of the way so for that I thank him for bringing me out of my funk that I was going threw sometimes I am to hard on my self and have to wait for things in due time everything happens for a reason but me being on this earth wasn't a mistake me living is an honor because I have a purpose I didn't understand it nor did I see it until now and I am more thankful to god for allowing me another chance and giving me my hope and making me strong today and everyday.

Sometimes it's hard for us to see because we allow what others are doing to block our sight of achieving because we are jealous and don't understand why them and not us not we are not all meant to walk the same journey. We all have different paths in store for us so don't not fear if things may seem hard don't lost sight don't give up believe believe and believe in all things you set your mind to sometime we have to lock our self away to come to a clear understanding sometimes it's us that can only bring our self out of a certain things that we go threw in life. I guess the saying is true you can only depend on yourself to pull you threw god will always be there helping and showing you every step of the way. So don't be upset so be be worried and most importantly never give up on yourself ever no matter how hard things may seem you will achieve and overcome believe it.  

Out of control

I'm suppose to be sleeping but I have so much on my mind I just thought I would come on here and blog and write it all down.. There are so many thoughts running threw my mind it's hard to try to figure them all out. I don't even know where to start.

I'm not happy I'm disappointed with a lot of things I'm lost and stuck and do not know where to turn I feel as the world is all coming down on me and I don't know how to handle it all it's not like I can cry on the shoulder of my best friend because she lives in NYC I have no one to talk to I feel alone and I know I come off as a strong person I am but sometimes I need someone to lean on and ask for advice but as of now I don't have that I don't know who to call it seems like every time I call someone they are all going threw there own problem's so I help them solve there's and just keep my own to myself.. 

It's hard always being there for everyone else and having know one to be there for you I always go above and beyond for people but know one has my back or does the same for me maybe it's the people I hang around but that even goes for my own family honestly who can I turn to every one always wants something and I'm not able to always give people what they ask for I don't know  how to say know to people it's like you tell me what you need and I try my best to make it happen if something is wrong I'm the person everyone comes to but I asked myself who can I turn to when I need help or advice and I truly see I can't depend on anyone to be there I face everything alone I know god has my back but sometimes I feel like he's not around or if I'm looking for a word to help me threw and I can never find it no matter how many times I pray and ask god to guide me I feel as if He does not hear my prayers or see my tears .. 

Stress and crying have been my best friend lately and I am to young to be stressed out crying myself to sleep I would say I want to give up on everything I have been working so hard for but me giving up on my dreams is me giving up on my life Ive been soul searching ive been staying away from those who wish to see me fail but yet I'm still stuck I've been kind to those who haven't been kind to me I've helped those who really needed help with money and a place to stay knowing if the tables where turned they wouldn't do the same.

I feel that I'm a kind person who's always looking out for everyone so again the question comes up at hand why do bad things always happen to me why is it one thing after another I do right I don't do wrong I respect people and there wishes. But why is it that I get disrespected why do I get my feeling hurt why do people try to bring me down why do I take on everyone else's problems what the he'll is wrong with me I'm so damn lost and have no idea how to uplift myself I go to god I go to church but yet I still feel the same way as i did yesterday I try putting myself and my needs before everyone else but it seems what I want and what I need to do is always last I give so much of my time and self to people that I'm tired and drained emotionally and physically it's not like I have a boyfriend to run and talk to I'm single it's not like I can run and talk to my family or friends no one wants to hear my troubles there all worried about if I can hook them up with this person or that maybe I just need to cut everyone and everything out my life until I can get myself together.

Step up

I listened to this little girl  and boy talk about there fathers not being there for them it broke my heart because I felt their pain I understood where they was coming From i know how they feels I cried hearing there stories on how they felt just coming home to a single mother and how they wrote a letter expressing how they felt towards their fathers I came home and wrote a letter to my father but not only speaking on my behalf but also for my mother and brothers.

Will he care I do not know will I accept him in my life i do not know i want people to understand one thing you bring a child into this world it takes two parents not one I understand things may happen but nothing should ever come between you and your child no matter how hard things may be or no matter how much you may hate the Childs mother that is still you child a part of you should never turn you back on your child you should always fight and be there for them no matter what if you have been locked up write a letter every single day to your child what most men don't understand is your child isn't looking for money they are looking for your love and for you to be there for them they need your support they need you to protect them from all things and people who may harm them they need that encouragement.

Fathers raise your daughters soooooooooooooooo know man will ever hurt her or if they do she knows you will be right there to protect her and see her threw her heart break.

Father raise your sons to be strong men and the provider of his house hold and show him the ways of life and show him how to love a woman teach him the ways of being a strong man in America. 

My hearts hurts tears running down my face Just hearing all the children who have grown up with out a father and the one who are growing up right now without one I want to speak to each and everyone of there fathers and tell them how much they need them to be there bye there side.

Anyone reading this that is a father please never turn your back on your child trust me no money could ever amount to your love or support no matter what issues you may have with the mother fight for your child fight to be in there life never give up on being there for them ever because they do need you if you feel they are better off without knowing you are highly mistaken they need you and want you there so please be there take it from a young adult I'm still affected and hurt that my father wasn't there for me still till this day I wish he would have played a role in my life it  does hurt growing up with a father be a man step up and be there for you child. 

This also goes for a woman as well be there for your children growing up without parents hurt you think you doing what's best for your child bye walking away but trust me all your doing is hurting them please be a parent to these beautiful amazing children that you create.  

The questions we ask that go unanswered

Sometimes we don't Know where our life is headed or why things have happen to us or why we have met certain types of people.

Sometimes I wonder if I would have chosen a different path would my life still have the same out come would I still have met certain people would I still have done this or that and to be honest I don't know nor can I call it sometimes I'm so full on life and sometimes I'm just down I always ask my self everyday what do I want to be where do I want to be in life and if I'm happy with the choices I have made and my answers are always 50/50 some are yes and some are no well to be honest more so no. Sometimes I wish I could go back and change everything about my life but would I be the same person I am today or would I be some one else I have so many un answered questions no one can answer them but god I try to live an honest, humble life and do right bye my family and others but yet I find myself stuck and lost and always thinking what if this and what if that. 

Lately I've been looking at my life and saying to myself who am I really I've had to hide who I am for so long ive lost myself ive allowed people to discourage me from achieving what I set out to do and also giving myself to people who weren't worthy of my time. I can't always put the blame on someone or feeling sorry for myself sometimes  we have been put threw things to test our strength and faith and be proud to say this is me and this my life story. But yet I go back this maybe my story and who I am but yet i still don't understand why I have so many un answered question know matter how much soul seeking and asking god why me my answer seems never to be answered.

We all have questions that we want to be answered but some of us get the answer to our questions and some of us dot we all just have accept what accrues in our life and be happy with every choice and decisions we have made and continue to make in our life we may not know what god has in store for us and the blessing that awaits  us at the end of the road.   

You think You know ME but You DONT

 
It's funny when people assume they know a person When they don't even have the 1st clue of who that person is or what they have been threw I get so much crap from people talking bad on me saying all type of things about me o she thinks she all this because she's an urban model and been seen in this video and that and party's with stars but she's isn't anything special i know her type these are words of people who have no idea.

I let people assume what they want of me because they are in titled too i don't open up about the things I have been threw and the battles that I fight within because that's my business and a battle that I am fighting and trying to overcome no one else is walking in my shoes but ME,  I didn't want to be judged or have anyone feeling sorry for me but yet I am being judged by many and I'm at the point where I am done sitting back and letting people come at me side ways know matter what I am doing people always have something NEG to say im like this if you dont have anything kind to say to me goodbye i dont need you nor do i want you around me i have been threw hell and i mean hell growing up and the last thing i want to deal with is some one else attacking me and trying to bring me down when i am trying to uplift myself every single day let me make this very clear to all those who don't know I model because I don't feel beautiful within i dont see what other people see im trying and getting behind a camera there is a side of me that can embrace my beauty and express my emotions and how I feel and you can only see that in a picture yes I have done shoots half naked that is a side of me being wanted and desired from men.. I hear how beautiful and sexy I am which I don't hear often i can tell myself im beautiful all day long but hearing it from someone else is just a great feeling. 

But that's not the only side I show I also  show a side of me in fashion as well always in my mind yes  im too short and have some meat on my bones to be a runway model but I can still pose and have amazing photos just like the other girls I see on covers of magazines i too in my dreams can be that girl what most people dont know is all my photo shoots are shot on how i am feeling at that time if i feel sexy, sad,happy, mad, silly or just wanting to do something ive never done before thinking outside the box i can express that in a photo modeling is an art you don't have to be 5'7 or have a big old booty to call yourself a model I don't think of myself as a model I'm just expressing my self and feelings threw a photo.

I got into videos because I had seen actress like Eva Mendes, Kerry Washington, Lauren London have all gotten their start from videos so I thought I would follow behind their foot steps hoping the door for acting would open for me and I get to work with my favorite singers, rappers i always looked at videos like theres nothing wrong with doing them a lot of actress and actors have done videos,  I never planed on being a video vixen or an urban model to tell you the truth im neither because a set is a set and  a magazine shoot is a shoot in my eyes that I enjoyed doing I was always able to meet amazing and wonderful people and network.

  I  go out to support my friends when they are hosting an event or if I am other than that I spend most of my time running my foundation or volunteering my time at children hospitals and schools speaking to the youth Or little events within my community I  always felt I never had to be famous to make a difference in someone else's life and I still believe that because my story is no different from anyone else someone else may have gone threw something worse than me I never want those children or young adults to feel as if they are alone in this world like no one understands them  or they will never make their dreams come true i try to give them hope and faith to overcome all things.

So when people assume or perceive me off of a picture or a title i was given is very sad because not all models Are alike i dont walk around thinking im better than anyone nor do i stay dolled up wearing makeup 24/7 or trying to stay up on the latest hand bags, shoes , etc or talking to this guy or that one if only you guys knew the half I don't wear make up and heels 27/7 nor do I walk outside like a diva more so just jeans a t shirt and flip flops with a messy ponytail and as far as my dating life there's a certain type of man that I want in my life a man more so like my grandfather so I will not apologize for having standards. my life isn't based off martial things never has been and never will be I have goals and dreams that I am achieving but while I'm achieving mine I'm also helping my family and friends reach there's as well I'm opening doors and pushing them in the right direction so they can achieve as well there's more to me than what people see or think Im always doing something to help someone know matter who they are  the things that i work towards Is raising money and investing in properties to help those who are in need and setting up businesses and shops for my children  so they can have something to run knowing its theirs and they are there own bosses in America ive never been a person who looks out for myself no I'm setting up and making things happen for my family and trying to help someone and show them no matter what they have been threw or come from you too can have all you desire in life so before you assume something about someone try getting to know the person 1st before you pass judgement.               

We Live, We Learn We Grow

Some people are ashamed to admit their past and also the mistakes they have made in their life. I am hear too tell you can not change the hands of time as much as we would like to back we cant so embrace what you have been threw and be a voice for someone else who has gone threw the same thing as you, take a stand and say this is what I have been threw allow yourself to grow and learn something new about yourself with each day that the lord blesses you with. 

Also learn from the mistakes you've made not only saying to yourself and out loud that I will never allow myself to do this or that ever again, don't say it but believe it if you find yourself making the same mistakes over and over again thats just god saying get down on one knee lift your hand above your head and call on me say lord help and guidance me to where you want me to be I will only follow and lead and do all things that you ask of me now I understand.

Forgiving of others

I find myself always forgiving and looking pasted what someone has done to me maybe that's what I love most about myself is that I have such an amazing heart and I'm such a wonderful person that I don't live my life holding onto grudges I don't live hating on others not wishing them well that's an awful thing to do.

But forgiving doesn't make me weak it makes me stronger to know that I can for give you and we've moved forward shows true strength i'm not saying I will be buddy buddy but I am saying that I forgive and when I see that person that hurt me I do not have hard feeling Towards them I embrace them with a smile and a hello and a  hug and ask how's everything happy to hear all is well and we both go on about our busy days.

I always hear that I'm to kind even forgiving an ex my friends always say lord you are a strong person to forgive him because there is nooooo way I could have ever forgave him or would have ever spoke but I never think of a break up as O we should hate  one another or dont you ever speak to me Again I  mean I'm not saying I want to be friends with them either I'm just saying I for gave them for the wrong they have done there's no need to keep holding onto the past why that would mean I still care and still think about them in some type of way no no I want them to all find the love of their life and be happy just like me Nooo I haven't found the love of my life or some one to spend that one on one time with but I'm happy loving myself and being single at 1st I would be in my room complaining i hate being single and not having someone to call on but  in all honesty i have im happy with not having someone around or depending on them all I have is my self and to grow stronger and stronger with my faith and wait on god to send me who he knows is best for me in due time so when he comes my way I will embrace everything I had a lot of learning and growing to do in my life and I can say truly finding myself within has made me such a better person  forgiving those who have done me wrong has brought me so much peace and has taught me so much about myself as a person.

M.2.T.P -- forgiveness is the greatest thing you can ever do in your life when you learn to forgive you learn something new about your self you learn a hidden strength you grow closer and closer to your faith you feel at peace within and you have joy, hope in each day pure happiness that is the most amazing gift ever to know you hurt me back then but I forgave you but you didn't still my happiness you showed me how strong I truly am as a person so I thank you. 

Making A Change

To watch someone struggle and hurt breaks my heart I can't save the world but I'm damn sure going to try my best to be a blessing in someone else's life...

Stop The Violence

My ♥ Goes out 2 anyone who's ever lost a loved one due 2 Gun Violence, Gang Violence any type of Violence I know your pain i too have lost my loved one due 2 Violence I wish people would stop killing one another and just enjoy life :'( plz people stop the Violence plz ..

Pos State Of Mind

I will never understand why I have to go threw what I have to go threw but I know everything happens for a reason GOD is pushing me every step of the way saying never Give up or lose sight in me or my dreams keep your faith and trust in me and you will achieve all things..

For I Am Not Perfect

I KNOw that I am not perfect nor do I want too be I'm just trying to be the best role model that I can be, I'm trying my best to be the best god fearing woman,wife, daughter, sister,cousin,friend and mother that I can be I've made mistake in my life but who hasn't its life judge me not off my past but who I am trying to be..!

A Mother's Cry

Lately I had a talk with my mother and for the 1st time in my life I seen her for her me and my mother don't have the perfect relationship in the world I use to think she was jealous of me I could never understand how any mother could be jealous of her child but speaking to my mother I understood her reasoning and I truly wasn't prepared to hear what She was about to tell me I have so much respect for my mother because she is the true definition of a strong mother.

When my mother was a young girl she was sexually abused as a child as well but when she told my grandmother she didn't believe her I remember when I told my mother that I was being sexually abused she almost killed my cousin the look in her eyes I will never for get and I was just 6years old and can still tell you she was out for blood if it wasn't for our neighbors she would have killed my cousin that's how a mother is suppose to react to her child not saying you are telling a story my mother was 8years old and told my grandmother it made me look at my grandmother and say how could you not believe your child I was honestly upset at my grandmother I truly believe my mother over my grandmother she knew she likes to hide the truth i remember one night my family was having a talk saying how strong i was and my grandmother says to me I didn't know this was happening to you nia like really I'm 6 years old and hes 14 what do I no about sex nothing and you knew because my fathers side grandfather, grandmother, aunt uncle's and friends of the family even my dead beat father knew how could you not no  that was a lie I remember I  use to beg my grandmother and mother not to leave me home alone with my cousin my grandmother is the type of person who can't handle the truth the type of woman who let's everyone believe everything is perfect and their is no wrong doing in her household  she hides and run from the truth.

So I understand my mother reasoning for having anger towards my grandmother but as my mother kept speaking she said she met my father when she was 16 and had me at 17 when I was 1 years old my father was in a very bad car accident which doctors didn't know if he would live or die that she pregnant hiding it from everyone because this wasn't the time or the place to speak of the good news so my mother kept my brother or sister a secret not knowing if my father would ever wake up my mother made a choice to get abortion she did what she thought was best at the time and I truly understand my mother had no other choice here she is 18 with one child and the man she loves is fighting for his life my dead beat father woke up bye then it was already to late my mother had already with threw with the abortion already feeling emotionally drained here is this man scream and yelling at her not know what she has went threw so she left my father on his bed side never telling him I was shocked when she told me this a little upset with her how could you kill my brother or sister but remembering what she said that she would have done the same with me if I wasn't far along then I went back to my way of thinking like damn mom you never wanted children you never wanted me I was a mistake that hurts to feel that way even tho she says I'm the greatest gift that god has given her that just hurt me.

My mother kept talking she told me that her and my dead beat father didn't work out I was 3 when they officially broke up bye then my mother was working and back in school I thought I heard it all from my mother to hear she was abused as a child my grandmother not believing her having me at such a young age but to a man who only talked down of her taking her Childs life AND now she's a single mother with no help from that man who she once loved I felt bad for my mother like damn mom life couldn't have been any worst for you but it gets worst my mother told me she was raped again as an adult but not only her my aunt as well bye the same man who walked around free woman afraid to report him always laughing and saying who's going to believe you my heart was crushed all I wanted to do was hold my mother but she kept talking saying how she was pregnant bye her rapist and running into her attacker talking to my dead beat father saying I beeped yo baby momma and my dead beat father calling my mother a hoe and out of her name trying to take me from her not knowing what this man has done to her and 5 other girls I wanted to kill the man who did this to mother and also my dead beat father hoe dare you say ish to my momma but I had to remember my mother never said a word feeling as if no one would believe her yet again and here she is caring a child bye s man who attacked her so her my aunt and cousins all went to the clinic another child my mother has given back so she worked even harder.

She meet my brothers father and he loved her and pushed her to always do and be her best I respected mike he even stepped up and took on the role of being my father but I was a very small child only 4 and half but remember everything about my mother and his love but that would be the love my mother lost but not only her but also my brother they both lost him to a lifetime in prison I felt so awful for my mother because she has been put threw he'll and nothing seemed to be right for her always losing some she loved I just couldn't believe all the  pain my mother has been threw now I have a clear understanding why she was the person she was why she was always hard on me my mother put love on hold to raise and give me and my brother everything never allowing any one to ever hurt us or want for anything and for that I will always respect my mother like i said she is the true definition of a strong woman threw out all the hell she has been put threw she still able to smile and laugh Now that me and my brother are grown we both are  striving to succeed and make all our dreams to come true because our mother deserves the very best I use to think she was evil and didn't have a heart until she opened up about her life and I thank god she did because Im proud of her getting it off her. Chest but  not only that but im proud to call her my mother and I thank god for choosing her to be my mother I wouldn't have it any other way .

Mom I love you with all my heart I truly believe from the button of my heart god has seen every tear heard every  prayer that you have ever spoken to him I truly believe that he will bless you with everything that your heart desires thank you for being my mother and I am happy that we can grow closer in our relationship you are my mother and best friend my sister my everything I'm sorry for all The pain I've caused you. I love you more than anything in this world thank you for opening up to me now i have a true understanding of who you are and proud of the woman you have become.  

M.T.T.P--- It's never to late to fix things between you and your parents fvor give them but we too don't know what type of pain the had to indoor make things right with your mother or father you never want to wait until its to late       

Remain Strong no matter how hard or bad things maybe

God has a purpose for us all we may not see it or understand why he puts  us threw so many things but there is a reason why don't question him just know he has had our whole lives planed before he even brought  us into this world be strong and keep your head held high and hold on to your faith as a strong believer I know he loves you more than anything in this world he doesn't mean to hurt us but he is testing us to see if we are ready for the gift he has blessed us with he is trying to see if we can handle our journey in life.

I am one who ask's god why have i been threw so much pain why haven't my dreams come true yet why am I being kind to those who aren't kind to me why am i striving to be the best why should i open up my heart and help those in need what am i getting in return other than a slap in the face and so many ungrateful people why do so many people want to see me fail what did i do to them why do i have low self esteem why do you allow me to be hurt over and over again bye love and why do i end up with people who do me wrong why, why why why why ...but then I had to take a step back and say Im asking god why this and why that but I'm not saying thank you for all he has done for me and  has brought me threw how dare I question him I'm still alive living out my dreams i still have my life im still able to smile I'm  able to help those who have gone threw what I have , I'm able to help those In need who don't have much I'm able to put a smile on someone else face and show them someone cares about them and why question him on love knowing there's no love greater than his. 

I too go threw this just like you asking why please don't ask god why please be thankful that you get to wake up every morning and get to achieve your dreams please be grateful for what you have because there is some one out there in the world who is going threw a lot worst than you there is some one out there who won't be waking up to see the next morning I'm learning everyday to be more and more grateful trust me it has been a long journey but as I get older And as each day that is passing me bye I am growing into my calling I'm starting to understand the meaning of living in his word and walking in my faith and believing in him leaving all my fears and worries in the past and always remembering all ive been threw and saying thank you god for the woman I am becoming and thank you for my amazing family friends and thank you for allowing me to touch others lives and bring them joy. 

I never want you guys to lose hope or sight in your faith or your dreams continue to believe in him he hears your prayers but always remember god will always answer them and he knows when you are truly ready for your blessing stay strong   My loves we will all achieve great things just keep on believing and trusting him.           

Fighting within my own skin

Nothing has been easy for me since the day I was brought into this world I have been tested the devil has been on the attack since day one I don't understand what I have done to deserve such a hard life why my father wasn't around why I had to indoor physical and mental abuse. Like what did I do in my life time that was so bad I feel as god hates me he put me on this earth to suffer and I mean suffer it seems nothing I do is right men, jobs, school was I born to fail.

I can't believe I was because I have such a POS outlook on life, I'm so kind and put others needs before my own I allow people to talk and treat me like crap I allow guys to lie and cheat and make me look like a fool and think that it's ok like I deserve to be talked to crazy I wear weaves and colored eyes to make myself look beautiful is my self esteem that low to truly believe I deserve to be treated and feeling this way stressing my self out wondering how this and that bill is going to be paid or wondering why this person hasn't called me today asking and crying to god questioning why am I here why did you bring me on this earth to be in pain. I've been fighting since the day i was born until now I have no fight left in me to fight for anything that I want I give up on all my goals and things I had set out for my life I feel as I will never see them nor will I achieve them, has my life turned out so bad that I can't see who I am have I let all the bad things stop me from doing what I love then I question my self what is it that you want to be NIA  do you want to be an actress well you sure have given up hope in that field , I don't want to be a vixen then I say I want to be a wife and a mother but can't do it until Im set in my career. No man wants a woman who's week and can't stand on her own 2 feet.

Who am I and what do I want to be is the question do I want to be actress do I want to help others in need why am i so quick to give up on myself do I feel like im not worth anything then I always go back to my self worth do I know the value of myself my answer is always no how can I be a POS role model for my brothers or anyone, when I'm still fighting within my own skin. I can't help anyone until I help myself.  

We all have been put on this earth for a reason

I wasn't born on this earth to be a fool, I wasn't born on this earth to be laughed at or made fun of,  I wasn't born on this earth to be lazy , i wasn't born on this earth to be a failure yes I  admit I've made a lot of poor choices in my life and I've made my share of mistake when it has come to  love, friends i seeked advice from people who I shouldn't have instead of taking advice from god he has put me threw so many test to see if I could handle what he has in store for me in my life. Yes I have had some things that i needed to over come but who hasn't yes it took me a while yes it took me some time to figure out that i was born with a gift that i need to share with the world and stop letting my fears, my past, my insecurities  stand in my own way, yes I've looked to take the easy way out and always looking for a hand out or for some one to feel sorry for me  but  threw all this I've realized god saw something in me that i have yet to see in myself until now that everything that he has put me threw was only to make me a better and stronger and wiser person and one he'll of a mother when the time comes.

Thew out my pain and disappointment's I'm still able to walk with my head held high, when some have lost there minds , I'm still able to smile and laugh, when some are still crying there sleves to sleep, I'm still kind to those who aren't kind to me, my calling in life has for ever been to help those who are afraid to speak out to be there voice and say she's gone threw the same thing as me.

I don't want any of you to feel that you have failed yes we have been knocked down but please don't stay down pick yourself up and fight back, fight back for your self and live enjoy you life stop being afraid to open your heart up to those who want to love you and help you, don't be afraid to achieve your dreams yes this happened to you embrace your down falls enjoy your life and know you have a purpose on this earth tell your story yup don't have to be famous to help those who have gone threw the same thing as you be kind to those who seek to see you fail who wish bad on you pray that god heal them maybe they are fighting a battle within there soul. Always remain humble and know we are all put on this earth for a reason  

Mistakes we make in love

When someone says they don't care they truly do

I've made a lot of mistakes when it has come to love I just wanted some one to be there to hold me and love me I remember my 1st boyfriend had 2 kids a high school dropout and me giving him money I was used and played for a fool but I thought he loved me I thought he cared about me and I would be with him for the rest of my life. Looking back I didn't mean anything to this boy he looked me as a joke i spent 3 and a half years with him he would lie, cheat and do him but i would always take him back because i felt that he loved me "dummy" but i was done taking him back he cheated on me for the last time but this time he got a girl pregnant.  To know I've spent all high school years with a dog I was sick and disappointed with myself saying aren't you done getting hurt  bye people who supposedly love you aren't you done crying when are you going to say enough is enough. 

The best thing  for me to do was move away I  moved away and went off to college free and starting a brand new life new job, new friends starting a fresh new start it wasn't long until I found someone and start dating just ending one relationship starting a new one never giving myself time to heal from my ex thinking that my new boyfriend was such an upgrade thinking to myself he has money,  real diamonds, 3 cars a Porsche, Jaguar, BMW hes 23 plays football wow I've truly Came up... Ahahahahahahah if only i knew who I was truly getting to know another dropout instead of playing ball he choose to be a d.boy instead me playing a fool yet a again and being a sucker for love paying his bills putting money on his books going to see him while he was in jail paying for every date we have ever had I felt like this is my ex all over again where did I go wrong why am I still here after four years I walked away from him and never looked back.

Moved back to Los Angeles never wanting to date, never wanting to be in another relationship  ever again i was done with men i focused on me and my dreams because when I was with my ex's I put all my dreams on hold so I swore I would never do that again , so i went straight to work taking every project I can to keep my mind off how stupid And dumb. My friends told me I need to see someone and stop working so much have fun not all men are the same so I let them set me up on a blind date here I go agin another college football player at that hes younger than me but  honestly when we met he wasn't anything like my ex's he was kind he was a god fearing man,  he had dreams outside of football he was a family man, he wanted to know everything about me in the back of my mind I'm saying this is to good to be true this can't be real there are no such thing as good men. But he was he was the 1st man to ever give me a rose , the 1st man to ever take me out on a date, the 1st man who took me shopping the 1st man who cared about my need's more than his own. He supported me in everything that I did he encouraged me to be the best that I can be he was an such amazing boyfriend. I pushed him away I was mean I treated him like crap when all he did was treat me with respect he was truly an amazing person but in the back of my mind I felt like this can't be real something wrong, he cheating on me I was looking for anything always looking for a fight i knew he did deserve to be treated like ish i just didnt know how to love him or show him i could love all he seen was a bitter, mean, spoiled girl who needs the never cheated on me he was just trying to love me  i knew i had a good man bye side but i didnt care I wanted to hurt him I wanted him to feel the way I did I was taking what my ex's did out on him which wasn't fair.  So we broke up he still wanted us to be friends but I wouldn't have it he would always tell me nia your going to regret your choices and actions I told him nope and I didn't care I changed my # and never spoke to him again.

But in all truth I do regret treating him wrong because I was trying to act so tuff and act like I didn't care but deep down I loved him I still do but Its to late to fix things he will always be the one that i will forever miss but I'm  truly happy he has found someone to love him and treat him with the respect he deserves. I will always wish him well :) because of him I know there are some good men out in the world and I had a pleasure of knowing one of them. 
After my ex i found myself talking to guys but not taking them seriously because none of them were truly worth my time just a good laugh, dinner, movie date nothing more I kept myself busy working magazines ,videos,hosting events no time to really take anyone seriously it's not like I didn't want to but none of them couldn't amount up to my ex standards I still find it hard trying to replace him because no one has shown me what he has have I given up on love no but I'm not rushing it 

A lot of us have been hurt and we say beep love but don't say that because god has made someone for each and everyone us and he will send them to us when he feels that we are ready because having a partner is a true blessing no matter how many times love made me look stupid played me for a fool I had a chance to experience a pice of what love can fell like so when it comes back around I know how to act I know how to love back without fearing my point is people don't hold on to hurt and pain because if you do you will block the person god has in-store for you keep hope and continue to believe in today's day and age people say beep it noooo don't save that it's out thetas your just not willing to  accept it be willing people give it a chance open yourself and heart to some one who is willing to do the same for your trust me you will know who deserves your heart and loving just give him or her time they are on the way             

Don't judge me off what you see in a picture

People are always so quick to judge others not knowing there pain not knowing there struggles or what that person has been threw in there life just because you think you may know some one doesn't really mean you know them a lot of us don't want people to know our life stories due to the fact we don't want to relive the pain we just want to leave it in the past and move forward in our life I know I've kept my personal life personal the only people who knew I was abused as a child was my family and child hood friend.

I've  been threw a lot in my lifetime I'm a regular human being with feelings like anyone else trying to achieve my dreams Just like you some of us have been abused some of us have been beaten some of us have grew up with a single parent  we all have been judged bye others ive opened up and let you all in to see i dont think im better than anyone I have been threw things just like anyone else my life is not picture perfect  i was raped bye my cousin at the age of 6, beaten bye my mother who found it easy to take her anger and pain out on me. A father who walked out on me I'm trying to deal and achieve and over come my struggles and make all my dreams come true so I can help others who feel and have been threw the same thing as me.

People are so quick to judge and talk about the things that i have done o shes done videos o shes done magazine she thinks that she is all that know i dont think that im all that i dont feel beautiful but i dont feel that im ugly either i feel as i am an ok looking girl i always hear you should know your worth well honestly i don't whos going to want someones whos been abused whos going to want someone who father wasnt around which means they are looking for a father figure in their partner whos going to want s girl whos in magazine's and videos thats half naked all the time thats the only thing she has going for her self. People talk so much crap out girls like me they call us vixens a lot of what people say is hurtful and just mean women who do videos and magazines aren't smart they are dumb, hoes looking for a come up all they want is to have a baby bye a basketball, football, baseball player or rapper and live off child support. That's the only things girls like that want.

I'm far from stupid and no I do not want to be anyones baby mother I want to be a wife then mother making her own money never will I live off anyone else's nor would i ever bring a child into this world to live off child support or to grow up with out a father or to say Im so so baby momma  I have dreams bigger than videos and magazines and being someones baby momma.         


My point is people stop judging others and knocking them for how they live there life and the things that they do we are all human trying to make it and trying to over come something in our lives so please stop talking about other people you never know what they had to over come to be standing beside you smiling.

Growing up without a father does hurt...

a lot of us grew up without a father Or a mother I  can speak on that because I'm one of those people i grew up knowing who my father was but he didn't play a role in my life I use to see my father at family events with his wife talking about the trips they have taken the car's that he has, the gifts that he buy's for his wife. But the question in the back of mind would always be how is your daughter doing..? How could you have a child in this world and not care.?   

My mother, grandparents and aunt and uncles, always made sure i had everything that i ever wanted because they felt sorry for me knowing their son, brother, Ex  my father was a dead beat dad that wasn't around they smothered me with so much love, support and encouragement that will last me a lifetime but all that attention didn't amount up to me wanting my father. I played a role and acted like i didn't care where my dad was or what he did, i didn't care that he wasn't there but deep down I was hurt, mad , upset yelling out you where suppose to be here to protect me against any harm your suppose to care what's wrong with me why can't you love me why can't you just be here. All i wanted was for my father to be there for me to show me how proud he was of me thats all i wanted from his was his love At the age of 8 i started saying i didn't have a father as I got older I started to hate my father everyday all that anger at a young age towards a man who brought me into this world. 

I got older my father had more children that he didn't take care not apart of their life doing the same thing to them as he did to me Yet again SMH I remember sitting down with baby brother he turned and looked at me and said sissy why doesn't daddy love me if I was to die today daddy wouldn't care why does he hate us so much what did we do wrong..? Hearing that from a 6 year broke my heart I didn't know what to tell my brother or what to say as he looked at me to answer his questions all I could do is cry because I didn't have an answer to his question because I was still waiting on mine to be answered. I was so mad at my father not only was he hurting me he was hurting my brothers as well and he doesn't even care but yet We still  want him to be apart of our lives  we still call him daddy its unfair to see friends at the park with their fathers or seeing pictures of my friends and their fathers at Disneyland  or to hear about  how much fun my friends and their fathers had at work and all the cool things they did. wanting to be able to say and share my stories with them knowing I can't because my father isn't apart of my life I was always jealous of my friends who had there fathers in there life I didn't understand why they had there dads and why I couldn't have mine. I felt sorry for me and my brothers just hoping and wishing our dad would step up but he never did.  

I  got sick of hearing about what other dads did for there children so stepped up For my brothers i goto every game, play, show that my brothers have flying state to state for holidays , graduations , birthdays to show them they are loved making sure they have a story to tell I never ever  wanted them to feel the way that I felt when i was there age i want them to know they are amazing boys growing into strong men and they are not missing out on our father  he missing out on them. when I became of legal age I changed my last name to my mothers because She has been my mother and father and i know longer wanted to carry a man that I didn't know last name. I grew out of wishing, hoping and wanting my father to be their for me and my brothers I stopped hating him i finally accepted him for who he is does it hurt not knowing him yes but I won't dwell on his absence he missed out on me and getting to know who i am not me knowing who he is its his lost that he has to live with not me. 


No matter how many times we may ask god why wasn't my father or mother there for me why did they turn there back on me why don't they love me.  I can honestly say that is a question we all would like answered but we cant not dwell,  nor should we hate them for there actions all we can do is for give them  and pray and  thank them for being a  hell of an example of what type of parent not to be or to ever become.