Out of control

I'm suppose to be sleeping but I have so much on my mind I just thought I would come on here and blog and write it all down.. There are so many thoughts running threw my mind it's hard to try to figure them all out. I don't even know where to start.

I'm not happy I'm disappointed with a lot of things I'm lost and stuck and do not know where to turn I feel as the world is all coming down on me and I don't know how to handle it all it's not like I can cry on the shoulder of my best friend because she lives in NYC I have no one to talk to I feel alone and I know I come off as a strong person I am but sometimes I need someone to lean on and ask for advice but as of now I don't have that I don't know who to call it seems like every time I call someone they are all going threw there own problem's so I help them solve there's and just keep my own to myself.. 

It's hard always being there for everyone else and having know one to be there for you I always go above and beyond for people but know one has my back or does the same for me maybe it's the people I hang around but that even goes for my own family honestly who can I turn to every one always wants something and I'm not able to always give people what they ask for I don't know  how to say know to people it's like you tell me what you need and I try my best to make it happen if something is wrong I'm the person everyone comes to but I asked myself who can I turn to when I need help or advice and I truly see I can't depend on anyone to be there I face everything alone I know god has my back but sometimes I feel like he's not around or if I'm looking for a word to help me threw and I can never find it no matter how many times I pray and ask god to guide me I feel as if He does not hear my prayers or see my tears .. 

Stress and crying have been my best friend lately and I am to young to be stressed out crying myself to sleep I would say I want to give up on everything I have been working so hard for but me giving up on my dreams is me giving up on my life Ive been soul searching ive been staying away from those who wish to see me fail but yet I'm still stuck I've been kind to those who haven't been kind to me I've helped those who really needed help with money and a place to stay knowing if the tables where turned they wouldn't do the same.

I feel that I'm a kind person who's always looking out for everyone so again the question comes up at hand why do bad things always happen to me why is it one thing after another I do right I don't do wrong I respect people and there wishes. But why is it that I get disrespected why do I get my feeling hurt why do people try to bring me down why do I take on everyone else's problems what the he'll is wrong with me I'm so damn lost and have no idea how to uplift myself I go to god I go to church but yet I still feel the same way as i did yesterday I try putting myself and my needs before everyone else but it seems what I want and what I need to do is always last I give so much of my time and self to people that I'm tired and drained emotionally and physically it's not like I have a boyfriend to run and talk to I'm single it's not like I can run and talk to my family or friends no one wants to hear my troubles there all worried about if I can hook them up with this person or that maybe I just need to cut everyone and everything out my life until I can get myself together.