Fighting within my own skin

Nothing has been easy for me since the day I was brought into this world I have been tested the devil has been on the attack since day one I don't understand what I have done to deserve such a hard life why my father wasn't around why I had to indoor physical and mental abuse. Like what did I do in my life time that was so bad I feel as god hates me he put me on this earth to suffer and I mean suffer it seems nothing I do is right men, jobs, school was I born to fail.

I can't believe I was because I have such a POS outlook on life, I'm so kind and put others needs before my own I allow people to talk and treat me like crap I allow guys to lie and cheat and make me look like a fool and think that it's ok like I deserve to be talked to crazy I wear weaves and colored eyes to make myself look beautiful is my self esteem that low to truly believe I deserve to be treated and feeling this way stressing my self out wondering how this and that bill is going to be paid or wondering why this person hasn't called me today asking and crying to god questioning why am I here why did you bring me on this earth to be in pain. I've been fighting since the day i was born until now I have no fight left in me to fight for anything that I want I give up on all my goals and things I had set out for my life I feel as I will never see them nor will I achieve them, has my life turned out so bad that I can't see who I am have I let all the bad things stop me from doing what I love then I question my self what is it that you want to be NIA  do you want to be an actress well you sure have given up hope in that field , I don't want to be a vixen then I say I want to be a wife and a mother but can't do it until Im set in my career. No man wants a woman who's week and can't stand on her own 2 feet.

Who am I and what do I want to be is the question do I want to be actress do I want to help others in need why am i so quick to give up on myself do I feel like im not worth anything then I always go back to my self worth do I know the value of myself my answer is always no how can I be a POS role model for my brothers or anyone, when I'm still fighting within my own skin. I can't help anyone until I help myself.