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I listened to this little girl  and boy talk about there fathers not being there for them it broke my heart because I felt their pain I understood where they was coming From i know how they feels I cried hearing there stories on how they felt just coming home to a single mother and how they wrote a letter expressing how they felt towards their fathers I came home and wrote a letter to my father but not only speaking on my behalf but also for my mother and brothers.

Will he care I do not know will I accept him in my life i do not know i want people to understand one thing you bring a child into this world it takes two parents not one I understand things may happen but nothing should ever come between you and your child no matter how hard things may be or no matter how much you may hate the Childs mother that is still you child a part of you should never turn you back on your child you should always fight and be there for them no matter what if you have been locked up write a letter every single day to your child what most men don't understand is your child isn't looking for money they are looking for your love and for you to be there for them they need your support they need you to protect them from all things and people who may harm them they need that encouragement.

Fathers raise your daughters soooooooooooooooo know man will ever hurt her or if they do she knows you will be right there to protect her and see her threw her heart break.

Father raise your sons to be strong men and the provider of his house hold and show him the ways of life and show him how to love a woman teach him the ways of being a strong man in America. 

My hearts hurts tears running down my face Just hearing all the children who have grown up with out a father and the one who are growing up right now without one I want to speak to each and everyone of there fathers and tell them how much they need them to be there bye there side.

Anyone reading this that is a father please never turn your back on your child trust me no money could ever amount to your love or support no matter what issues you may have with the mother fight for your child fight to be in there life never give up on being there for them ever because they do need you if you feel they are better off without knowing you are highly mistaken they need you and want you there so please be there take it from a young adult I'm still affected and hurt that my father wasn't there for me still till this day I wish he would have played a role in my life it  does hurt growing up with a father be a man step up and be there for you child. 

This also goes for a woman as well be there for your children growing up without parents hurt you think you doing what's best for your child bye walking away but trust me all your doing is hurting them please be a parent to these beautiful amazing children that you create.  

The questions we ask that go unanswered

Sometimes we don't Know where our life is headed or why things have happen to us or why we have met certain types of people.

Sometimes I wonder if I would have chosen a different path would my life still have the same out come would I still have met certain people would I still have done this or that and to be honest I don't know nor can I call it sometimes I'm so full on life and sometimes I'm just down I always ask my self everyday what do I want to be where do I want to be in life and if I'm happy with the choices I have made and my answers are always 50/50 some are yes and some are no well to be honest more so no. Sometimes I wish I could go back and change everything about my life but would I be the same person I am today or would I be some one else I have so many un answered questions no one can answer them but god I try to live an honest, humble life and do right bye my family and others but yet I find myself stuck and lost and always thinking what if this and what if that. 

Lately I've been looking at my life and saying to myself who am I really I've had to hide who I am for so long ive lost myself ive allowed people to discourage me from achieving what I set out to do and also giving myself to people who weren't worthy of my time. I can't always put the blame on someone or feeling sorry for myself sometimes  we have been put threw things to test our strength and faith and be proud to say this is me and this my life story. But yet I go back this maybe my story and who I am but yet i still don't understand why I have so many un answered question know matter how much soul seeking and asking god why me my answer seems never to be answered.

We all have questions that we want to be answered but some of us get the answer to our questions and some of us dot we all just have accept what accrues in our life and be happy with every choice and decisions we have made and continue to make in our life we may not know what god has in store for us and the blessing that awaits  us at the end of the road.   

You think You know ME but You DONT

 
It's funny when people assume they know a person When they don't even have the 1st clue of who that person is or what they have been threw I get so much crap from people talking bad on me saying all type of things about me o she thinks she all this because she's an urban model and been seen in this video and that and party's with stars but she's isn't anything special i know her type these are words of people who have no idea.

I let people assume what they want of me because they are in titled too i don't open up about the things I have been threw and the battles that I fight within because that's my business and a battle that I am fighting and trying to overcome no one else is walking in my shoes but ME,  I didn't want to be judged or have anyone feeling sorry for me but yet I am being judged by many and I'm at the point where I am done sitting back and letting people come at me side ways know matter what I am doing people always have something NEG to say im like this if you dont have anything kind to say to me goodbye i dont need you nor do i want you around me i have been threw hell and i mean hell growing up and the last thing i want to deal with is some one else attacking me and trying to bring me down when i am trying to uplift myself every single day let me make this very clear to all those who don't know I model because I don't feel beautiful within i dont see what other people see im trying and getting behind a camera there is a side of me that can embrace my beauty and express my emotions and how I feel and you can only see that in a picture yes I have done shoots half naked that is a side of me being wanted and desired from men.. I hear how beautiful and sexy I am which I don't hear often i can tell myself im beautiful all day long but hearing it from someone else is just a great feeling. 

But that's not the only side I show I also  show a side of me in fashion as well always in my mind yes  im too short and have some meat on my bones to be a runway model but I can still pose and have amazing photos just like the other girls I see on covers of magazines i too in my dreams can be that girl what most people dont know is all my photo shoots are shot on how i am feeling at that time if i feel sexy, sad,happy, mad, silly or just wanting to do something ive never done before thinking outside the box i can express that in a photo modeling is an art you don't have to be 5'7 or have a big old booty to call yourself a model I don't think of myself as a model I'm just expressing my self and feelings threw a photo.

I got into videos because I had seen actress like Eva Mendes, Kerry Washington, Lauren London have all gotten their start from videos so I thought I would follow behind their foot steps hoping the door for acting would open for me and I get to work with my favorite singers, rappers i always looked at videos like theres nothing wrong with doing them a lot of actress and actors have done videos,  I never planed on being a video vixen or an urban model to tell you the truth im neither because a set is a set and  a magazine shoot is a shoot in my eyes that I enjoyed doing I was always able to meet amazing and wonderful people and network.

  I  go out to support my friends when they are hosting an event or if I am other than that I spend most of my time running my foundation or volunteering my time at children hospitals and schools speaking to the youth Or little events within my community I  always felt I never had to be famous to make a difference in someone else's life and I still believe that because my story is no different from anyone else someone else may have gone threw something worse than me I never want those children or young adults to feel as if they are alone in this world like no one understands them  or they will never make their dreams come true i try to give them hope and faith to overcome all things.

So when people assume or perceive me off of a picture or a title i was given is very sad because not all models Are alike i dont walk around thinking im better than anyone nor do i stay dolled up wearing makeup 24/7 or trying to stay up on the latest hand bags, shoes , etc or talking to this guy or that one if only you guys knew the half I don't wear make up and heels 27/7 nor do I walk outside like a diva more so just jeans a t shirt and flip flops with a messy ponytail and as far as my dating life there's a certain type of man that I want in my life a man more so like my grandfather so I will not apologize for having standards. my life isn't based off martial things never has been and never will be I have goals and dreams that I am achieving but while I'm achieving mine I'm also helping my family and friends reach there's as well I'm opening doors and pushing them in the right direction so they can achieve as well there's more to me than what people see or think Im always doing something to help someone know matter who they are  the things that i work towards Is raising money and investing in properties to help those who are in need and setting up businesses and shops for my children  so they can have something to run knowing its theirs and they are there own bosses in America ive never been a person who looks out for myself no I'm setting up and making things happen for my family and trying to help someone and show them no matter what they have been threw or come from you too can have all you desire in life so before you assume something about someone try getting to know the person 1st before you pass judgement.               

We Live, We Learn We Grow

Some people are ashamed to admit their past and also the mistakes they have made in their life. I am hear too tell you can not change the hands of time as much as we would like to back we cant so embrace what you have been threw and be a voice for someone else who has gone threw the same thing as you, take a stand and say this is what I have been threw allow yourself to grow and learn something new about yourself with each day that the lord blesses you with. 

Also learn from the mistakes you've made not only saying to yourself and out loud that I will never allow myself to do this or that ever again, don't say it but believe it if you find yourself making the same mistakes over and over again thats just god saying get down on one knee lift your hand above your head and call on me say lord help and guidance me to where you want me to be I will only follow and lead and do all things that you ask of me now I understand.

Forgiving of others

I find myself always forgiving and looking pasted what someone has done to me maybe that's what I love most about myself is that I have such an amazing heart and I'm such a wonderful person that I don't live my life holding onto grudges I don't live hating on others not wishing them well that's an awful thing to do.

But forgiving doesn't make me weak it makes me stronger to know that I can for give you and we've moved forward shows true strength i'm not saying I will be buddy buddy but I am saying that I forgive and when I see that person that hurt me I do not have hard feeling Towards them I embrace them with a smile and a hello and a  hug and ask how's everything happy to hear all is well and we both go on about our busy days.

I always hear that I'm to kind even forgiving an ex my friends always say lord you are a strong person to forgive him because there is nooooo way I could have ever forgave him or would have ever spoke but I never think of a break up as O we should hate  one another or dont you ever speak to me Again I  mean I'm not saying I want to be friends with them either I'm just saying I for gave them for the wrong they have done there's no need to keep holding onto the past why that would mean I still care and still think about them in some type of way no no I want them to all find the love of their life and be happy just like me Nooo I haven't found the love of my life or some one to spend that one on one time with but I'm happy loving myself and being single at 1st I would be in my room complaining i hate being single and not having someone to call on but  in all honesty i have im happy with not having someone around or depending on them all I have is my self and to grow stronger and stronger with my faith and wait on god to send me who he knows is best for me in due time so when he comes my way I will embrace everything I had a lot of learning and growing to do in my life and I can say truly finding myself within has made me such a better person  forgiving those who have done me wrong has brought me so much peace and has taught me so much about myself as a person.

M.2.T.P -- forgiveness is the greatest thing you can ever do in your life when you learn to forgive you learn something new about your self you learn a hidden strength you grow closer and closer to your faith you feel at peace within and you have joy, hope in each day pure happiness that is the most amazing gift ever to know you hurt me back then but I forgave you but you didn't still my happiness you showed me how strong I truly am as a person so I thank you. 

Making A Change

To watch someone struggle and hurt breaks my heart I can't save the world but I'm damn sure going to try my best to be a blessing in someone else's life...

Stop The Violence

My ♥ Goes out 2 anyone who's ever lost a loved one due 2 Gun Violence, Gang Violence any type of Violence I know your pain i too have lost my loved one due 2 Violence I wish people would stop killing one another and just enjoy life :'( plz people stop the Violence plz ..

Pos State Of Mind

I will never understand why I have to go threw what I have to go threw but I know everything happens for a reason GOD is pushing me every step of the way saying never Give up or lose sight in me or my dreams keep your faith and trust in me and you will achieve all things..

For I Am Not Perfect

I KNOw that I am not perfect nor do I want too be I'm just trying to be the best role model that I can be, I'm trying my best to be the best god fearing woman,wife, daughter, sister,cousin,friend and mother that I can be I've made mistake in my life but who hasn't its life judge me not off my past but who I am trying to be..!

A Mother's Cry

Lately I had a talk with my mother and for the 1st time in my life I seen her for her me and my mother don't have the perfect relationship in the world I use to think she was jealous of me I could never understand how any mother could be jealous of her child but speaking to my mother I understood her reasoning and I truly wasn't prepared to hear what She was about to tell me I have so much respect for my mother because she is the true definition of a strong mother.

When my mother was a young girl she was sexually abused as a child as well but when she told my grandmother she didn't believe her I remember when I told my mother that I was being sexually abused she almost killed my cousin the look in her eyes I will never for get and I was just 6years old and can still tell you she was out for blood if it wasn't for our neighbors she would have killed my cousin that's how a mother is suppose to react to her child not saying you are telling a story my mother was 8years old and told my grandmother it made me look at my grandmother and say how could you not believe your child I was honestly upset at my grandmother I truly believe my mother over my grandmother she knew she likes to hide the truth i remember one night my family was having a talk saying how strong i was and my grandmother says to me I didn't know this was happening to you nia like really I'm 6 years old and hes 14 what do I no about sex nothing and you knew because my fathers side grandfather, grandmother, aunt uncle's and friends of the family even my dead beat father knew how could you not no  that was a lie I remember I  use to beg my grandmother and mother not to leave me home alone with my cousin my grandmother is the type of person who can't handle the truth the type of woman who let's everyone believe everything is perfect and their is no wrong doing in her household  she hides and run from the truth.

So I understand my mother reasoning for having anger towards my grandmother but as my mother kept speaking she said she met my father when she was 16 and had me at 17 when I was 1 years old my father was in a very bad car accident which doctors didn't know if he would live or die that she pregnant hiding it from everyone because this wasn't the time or the place to speak of the good news so my mother kept my brother or sister a secret not knowing if my father would ever wake up my mother made a choice to get abortion she did what she thought was best at the time and I truly understand my mother had no other choice here she is 18 with one child and the man she loves is fighting for his life my dead beat father woke up bye then it was already to late my mother had already with threw with the abortion already feeling emotionally drained here is this man scream and yelling at her not know what she has went threw so she left my father on his bed side never telling him I was shocked when she told me this a little upset with her how could you kill my brother or sister but remembering what she said that she would have done the same with me if I wasn't far along then I went back to my way of thinking like damn mom you never wanted children you never wanted me I was a mistake that hurts to feel that way even tho she says I'm the greatest gift that god has given her that just hurt me.

My mother kept talking she told me that her and my dead beat father didn't work out I was 3 when they officially broke up bye then my mother was working and back in school I thought I heard it all from my mother to hear she was abused as a child my grandmother not believing her having me at such a young age but to a man who only talked down of her taking her Childs life AND now she's a single mother with no help from that man who she once loved I felt bad for my mother like damn mom life couldn't have been any worst for you but it gets worst my mother told me she was raped again as an adult but not only her my aunt as well bye the same man who walked around free woman afraid to report him always laughing and saying who's going to believe you my heart was crushed all I wanted to do was hold my mother but she kept talking saying how she was pregnant bye her rapist and running into her attacker talking to my dead beat father saying I beeped yo baby momma and my dead beat father calling my mother a hoe and out of her name trying to take me from her not knowing what this man has done to her and 5 other girls I wanted to kill the man who did this to mother and also my dead beat father hoe dare you say ish to my momma but I had to remember my mother never said a word feeling as if no one would believe her yet again and here she is caring a child bye s man who attacked her so her my aunt and cousins all went to the clinic another child my mother has given back so she worked even harder.

She meet my brothers father and he loved her and pushed her to always do and be her best I respected mike he even stepped up and took on the role of being my father but I was a very small child only 4 and half but remember everything about my mother and his love but that would be the love my mother lost but not only her but also my brother they both lost him to a lifetime in prison I felt so awful for my mother because she has been put threw he'll and nothing seemed to be right for her always losing some she loved I just couldn't believe all the  pain my mother has been threw now I have a clear understanding why she was the person she was why she was always hard on me my mother put love on hold to raise and give me and my brother everything never allowing any one to ever hurt us or want for anything and for that I will always respect my mother like i said she is the true definition of a strong woman threw out all the hell she has been put threw she still able to smile and laugh Now that me and my brother are grown we both are  striving to succeed and make all our dreams to come true because our mother deserves the very best I use to think she was evil and didn't have a heart until she opened up about her life and I thank god she did because Im proud of her getting it off her. Chest but  not only that but im proud to call her my mother and I thank god for choosing her to be my mother I wouldn't have it any other way .

Mom I love you with all my heart I truly believe from the button of my heart god has seen every tear heard every  prayer that you have ever spoken to him I truly believe that he will bless you with everything that your heart desires thank you for being my mother and I am happy that we can grow closer in our relationship you are my mother and best friend my sister my everything I'm sorry for all The pain I've caused you. I love you more than anything in this world thank you for opening up to me now i have a true understanding of who you are and proud of the woman you have become.  

M.T.T.P--- It's never to late to fix things between you and your parents fvor give them but we too don't know what type of pain the had to indoor make things right with your mother or father you never want to wait until its to late       

Remain Strong no matter how hard or bad things maybe

God has a purpose for us all we may not see it or understand why he puts  us threw so many things but there is a reason why don't question him just know he has had our whole lives planed before he even brought  us into this world be strong and keep your head held high and hold on to your faith as a strong believer I know he loves you more than anything in this world he doesn't mean to hurt us but he is testing us to see if we are ready for the gift he has blessed us with he is trying to see if we can handle our journey in life.

I am one who ask's god why have i been threw so much pain why haven't my dreams come true yet why am I being kind to those who aren't kind to me why am i striving to be the best why should i open up my heart and help those in need what am i getting in return other than a slap in the face and so many ungrateful people why do so many people want to see me fail what did i do to them why do i have low self esteem why do you allow me to be hurt over and over again bye love and why do i end up with people who do me wrong why, why why why why ...but then I had to take a step back and say Im asking god why this and why that but I'm not saying thank you for all he has done for me and  has brought me threw how dare I question him I'm still alive living out my dreams i still have my life im still able to smile I'm  able to help those who have gone threw what I have , I'm able to help those In need who don't have much I'm able to put a smile on someone else face and show them someone cares about them and why question him on love knowing there's no love greater than his. 

I too go threw this just like you asking why please don't ask god why please be thankful that you get to wake up every morning and get to achieve your dreams please be grateful for what you have because there is some one out there in the world who is going threw a lot worst than you there is some one out there who won't be waking up to see the next morning I'm learning everyday to be more and more grateful trust me it has been a long journey but as I get older And as each day that is passing me bye I am growing into my calling I'm starting to understand the meaning of living in his word and walking in my faith and believing in him leaving all my fears and worries in the past and always remembering all ive been threw and saying thank you god for the woman I am becoming and thank you for my amazing family friends and thank you for allowing me to touch others lives and bring them joy. 

I never want you guys to lose hope or sight in your faith or your dreams continue to believe in him he hears your prayers but always remember god will always answer them and he knows when you are truly ready for your blessing stay strong   My loves we will all achieve great things just keep on believing and trusting him.