Fighting within my own skin

Nothing has been easy for me since the day I was brought into this world I have been tested the devil has been on the attack since day one I don't understand what I have done to deserve such a hard life why my father wasn't around why I had to indoor physical and mental abuse. Like what did I do in my life time that was so bad I feel as god hates me he put me on this earth to suffer and I mean suffer it seems nothing I do is right men, jobs, school was I born to fail.

I can't believe I was because I have such a POS outlook on life, I'm so kind and put others needs before my own I allow people to talk and treat me like crap I allow guys to lie and cheat and make me look like a fool and think that it's ok like I deserve to be talked to crazy I wear weaves and colored eyes to make myself look beautiful is my self esteem that low to truly believe I deserve to be treated and feeling this way stressing my self out wondering how this and that bill is going to be paid or wondering why this person hasn't called me today asking and crying to god questioning why am I here why did you bring me on this earth to be in pain. I've been fighting since the day i was born until now I have no fight left in me to fight for anything that I want I give up on all my goals and things I had set out for my life I feel as I will never see them nor will I achieve them, has my life turned out so bad that I can't see who I am have I let all the bad things stop me from doing what I love then I question my self what is it that you want to be NIA  do you want to be an actress well you sure have given up hope in that field , I don't want to be a vixen then I say I want to be a wife and a mother but can't do it until Im set in my career. No man wants a woman who's week and can't stand on her own 2 feet.

Who am I and what do I want to be is the question do I want to be actress do I want to help others in need why am i so quick to give up on myself do I feel like im not worth anything then I always go back to my self worth do I know the value of myself my answer is always no how can I be a POS role model for my brothers or anyone, when I'm still fighting within my own skin. I can't help anyone until I help myself.  

We all have been put on this earth for a reason

I wasn't born on this earth to be a fool, I wasn't born on this earth to be laughed at or made fun of,  I wasn't born on this earth to be lazy , i wasn't born on this earth to be a failure yes I  admit I've made a lot of poor choices in my life and I've made my share of mistake when it has come to  love, friends i seeked advice from people who I shouldn't have instead of taking advice from god he has put me threw so many test to see if I could handle what he has in store for me in my life. Yes I have had some things that i needed to over come but who hasn't yes it took me a while yes it took me some time to figure out that i was born with a gift that i need to share with the world and stop letting my fears, my past, my insecurities  stand in my own way, yes I've looked to take the easy way out and always looking for a hand out or for some one to feel sorry for me  but  threw all this I've realized god saw something in me that i have yet to see in myself until now that everything that he has put me threw was only to make me a better and stronger and wiser person and one he'll of a mother when the time comes.

Thew out my pain and disappointment's I'm still able to walk with my head held high, when some have lost there minds , I'm still able to smile and laugh, when some are still crying there sleves to sleep, I'm still kind to those who aren't kind to me, my calling in life has for ever been to help those who are afraid to speak out to be there voice and say she's gone threw the same thing as me.

I don't want any of you to feel that you have failed yes we have been knocked down but please don't stay down pick yourself up and fight back, fight back for your self and live enjoy you life stop being afraid to open your heart up to those who want to love you and help you, don't be afraid to achieve your dreams yes this happened to you embrace your down falls enjoy your life and know you have a purpose on this earth tell your story yup don't have to be famous to help those who have gone threw the same thing as you be kind to those who seek to see you fail who wish bad on you pray that god heal them maybe they are fighting a battle within there soul. Always remain humble and know we are all put on this earth for a reason  

Mistakes we make in love

When someone says they don't care they truly do

I've made a lot of mistakes when it has come to love I just wanted some one to be there to hold me and love me I remember my 1st boyfriend had 2 kids a high school dropout and me giving him money I was used and played for a fool but I thought he loved me I thought he cared about me and I would be with him for the rest of my life. Looking back I didn't mean anything to this boy he looked me as a joke i spent 3 and a half years with him he would lie, cheat and do him but i would always take him back because i felt that he loved me "dummy" but i was done taking him back he cheated on me for the last time but this time he got a girl pregnant.  To know I've spent all high school years with a dog I was sick and disappointed with myself saying aren't you done getting hurt  bye people who supposedly love you aren't you done crying when are you going to say enough is enough. 

The best thing  for me to do was move away I  moved away and went off to college free and starting a brand new life new job, new friends starting a fresh new start it wasn't long until I found someone and start dating just ending one relationship starting a new one never giving myself time to heal from my ex thinking that my new boyfriend was such an upgrade thinking to myself he has money,  real diamonds, 3 cars a Porsche, Jaguar, BMW hes 23 plays football wow I've truly Came up... Ahahahahahahah if only i knew who I was truly getting to know another dropout instead of playing ball he choose to be a d.boy instead me playing a fool yet a again and being a sucker for love paying his bills putting money on his books going to see him while he was in jail paying for every date we have ever had I felt like this is my ex all over again where did I go wrong why am I still here after four years I walked away from him and never looked back.

Moved back to Los Angeles never wanting to date, never wanting to be in another relationship  ever again i was done with men i focused on me and my dreams because when I was with my ex's I put all my dreams on hold so I swore I would never do that again , so i went straight to work taking every project I can to keep my mind off how stupid And dumb. My friends told me I need to see someone and stop working so much have fun not all men are the same so I let them set me up on a blind date here I go agin another college football player at that hes younger than me but  honestly when we met he wasn't anything like my ex's he was kind he was a god fearing man,  he had dreams outside of football he was a family man, he wanted to know everything about me in the back of my mind I'm saying this is to good to be true this can't be real there are no such thing as good men. But he was he was the 1st man to ever give me a rose , the 1st man to ever take me out on a date, the 1st man who took me shopping the 1st man who cared about my need's more than his own. He supported me in everything that I did he encouraged me to be the best that I can be he was an such amazing boyfriend. I pushed him away I was mean I treated him like crap when all he did was treat me with respect he was truly an amazing person but in the back of my mind I felt like this can't be real something wrong, he cheating on me I was looking for anything always looking for a fight i knew he did deserve to be treated like ish i just didnt know how to love him or show him i could love all he seen was a bitter, mean, spoiled girl who needs the never cheated on me he was just trying to love me  i knew i had a good man bye side but i didnt care I wanted to hurt him I wanted him to feel the way I did I was taking what my ex's did out on him which wasn't fair.  So we broke up he still wanted us to be friends but I wouldn't have it he would always tell me nia your going to regret your choices and actions I told him nope and I didn't care I changed my # and never spoke to him again.

But in all truth I do regret treating him wrong because I was trying to act so tuff and act like I didn't care but deep down I loved him I still do but Its to late to fix things he will always be the one that i will forever miss but I'm  truly happy he has found someone to love him and treat him with the respect he deserves. I will always wish him well :) because of him I know there are some good men out in the world and I had a pleasure of knowing one of them. 
After my ex i found myself talking to guys but not taking them seriously because none of them were truly worth my time just a good laugh, dinner, movie date nothing more I kept myself busy working magazines ,videos,hosting events no time to really take anyone seriously it's not like I didn't want to but none of them couldn't amount up to my ex standards I still find it hard trying to replace him because no one has shown me what he has have I given up on love no but I'm not rushing it 

A lot of us have been hurt and we say beep love but don't say that because god has made someone for each and everyone us and he will send them to us when he feels that we are ready because having a partner is a true blessing no matter how many times love made me look stupid played me for a fool I had a chance to experience a pice of what love can fell like so when it comes back around I know how to act I know how to love back without fearing my point is people don't hold on to hurt and pain because if you do you will block the person god has in-store for you keep hope and continue to believe in today's day and age people say beep it noooo don't save that it's out thetas your just not willing to  accept it be willing people give it a chance open yourself and heart to some one who is willing to do the same for your trust me you will know who deserves your heart and loving just give him or her time they are on the way             

Don't judge me off what you see in a picture

People are always so quick to judge others not knowing there pain not knowing there struggles or what that person has been threw in there life just because you think you may know some one doesn't really mean you know them a lot of us don't want people to know our life stories due to the fact we don't want to relive the pain we just want to leave it in the past and move forward in our life I know I've kept my personal life personal the only people who knew I was abused as a child was my family and child hood friend.

I've  been threw a lot in my lifetime I'm a regular human being with feelings like anyone else trying to achieve my dreams Just like you some of us have been abused some of us have been beaten some of us have grew up with a single parent  we all have been judged bye others ive opened up and let you all in to see i dont think im better than anyone I have been threw things just like anyone else my life is not picture perfect  i was raped bye my cousin at the age of 6, beaten bye my mother who found it easy to take her anger and pain out on me. A father who walked out on me I'm trying to deal and achieve and over come my struggles and make all my dreams come true so I can help others who feel and have been threw the same thing as me.

People are so quick to judge and talk about the things that i have done o shes done videos o shes done magazine she thinks that she is all that know i dont think that im all that i dont feel beautiful but i dont feel that im ugly either i feel as i am an ok looking girl i always hear you should know your worth well honestly i don't whos going to want someones whos been abused whos going to want someone who father wasnt around which means they are looking for a father figure in their partner whos going to want s girl whos in magazine's and videos thats half naked all the time thats the only thing she has going for her self. People talk so much crap out girls like me they call us vixens a lot of what people say is hurtful and just mean women who do videos and magazines aren't smart they are dumb, hoes looking for a come up all they want is to have a baby bye a basketball, football, baseball player or rapper and live off child support. That's the only things girls like that want.

I'm far from stupid and no I do not want to be anyones baby mother I want to be a wife then mother making her own money never will I live off anyone else's nor would i ever bring a child into this world to live off child support or to grow up with out a father or to say Im so so baby momma  I have dreams bigger than videos and magazines and being someones baby momma.         


My point is people stop judging others and knocking them for how they live there life and the things that they do we are all human trying to make it and trying to over come something in our lives so please stop talking about other people you never know what they had to over come to be standing beside you smiling.

Growing up without a father does hurt...

a lot of us grew up without a father Or a mother I  can speak on that because I'm one of those people i grew up knowing who my father was but he didn't play a role in my life I use to see my father at family events with his wife talking about the trips they have taken the car's that he has, the gifts that he buy's for his wife. But the question in the back of mind would always be how is your daughter doing..? How could you have a child in this world and not care.?   

My mother, grandparents and aunt and uncles, always made sure i had everything that i ever wanted because they felt sorry for me knowing their son, brother, Ex  my father was a dead beat dad that wasn't around they smothered me with so much love, support and encouragement that will last me a lifetime but all that attention didn't amount up to me wanting my father. I played a role and acted like i didn't care where my dad was or what he did, i didn't care that he wasn't there but deep down I was hurt, mad , upset yelling out you where suppose to be here to protect me against any harm your suppose to care what's wrong with me why can't you love me why can't you just be here. All i wanted was for my father to be there for me to show me how proud he was of me thats all i wanted from his was his love At the age of 8 i started saying i didn't have a father as I got older I started to hate my father everyday all that anger at a young age towards a man who brought me into this world. 

I got older my father had more children that he didn't take care not apart of their life doing the same thing to them as he did to me Yet again SMH I remember sitting down with baby brother he turned and looked at me and said sissy why doesn't daddy love me if I was to die today daddy wouldn't care why does he hate us so much what did we do wrong..? Hearing that from a 6 year broke my heart I didn't know what to tell my brother or what to say as he looked at me to answer his questions all I could do is cry because I didn't have an answer to his question because I was still waiting on mine to be answered. I was so mad at my father not only was he hurting me he was hurting my brothers as well and he doesn't even care but yet We still  want him to be apart of our lives  we still call him daddy its unfair to see friends at the park with their fathers or seeing pictures of my friends and their fathers at Disneyland  or to hear about  how much fun my friends and their fathers had at work and all the cool things they did. wanting to be able to say and share my stories with them knowing I can't because my father isn't apart of my life I was always jealous of my friends who had there fathers in there life I didn't understand why they had there dads and why I couldn't have mine. I felt sorry for me and my brothers just hoping and wishing our dad would step up but he never did.  

I  got sick of hearing about what other dads did for there children so stepped up For my brothers i goto every game, play, show that my brothers have flying state to state for holidays , graduations , birthdays to show them they are loved making sure they have a story to tell I never ever  wanted them to feel the way that I felt when i was there age i want them to know they are amazing boys growing into strong men and they are not missing out on our father  he missing out on them. when I became of legal age I changed my last name to my mothers because She has been my mother and father and i know longer wanted to carry a man that I didn't know last name. I grew out of wishing, hoping and wanting my father to be their for me and my brothers I stopped hating him i finally accepted him for who he is does it hurt not knowing him yes but I won't dwell on his absence he missed out on me and getting to know who i am not me knowing who he is its his lost that he has to live with not me. 


No matter how many times we may ask god why wasn't my father or mother there for me why did they turn there back on me why don't they love me.  I can honestly say that is a question we all would like answered but we cant not dwell,  nor should we hate them for there actions all we can do is for give them  and pray and  thank them for being a  hell of an example of what type of parent not to be or to ever become.